Entry #4 – February 21st, 2017
Maybe you knew this before, but if you didn’t, here’s a bit of a secret for you.
I am terrified. I feel paralyzed. And I do not know what to do with myself.
I’m scared of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m scared of this lethargy, this lack of purpose I feel, because while I may not die if I stand still like a shark constantly in pursuit of prey, I feel as if my future is in constant peril if I’m not working to establish a foundation for it.
And I am not currently establishing- or perhaps I feel as if I am not currently establishing- a foundation for the future. Instead, I am buried in schoolwork that feels shockingly irrelevant and live in a pointless, I would stretch to say immature social structure that feels too close to high school for comfort. I have no energy, no motivation to write, to explore, to try new things and to even take care of myself and accomplish the bare minimum of work, much less lay my foundations with writing and applications and such.
I’m so scared because I look to the people I am surrounded with and they know how to conduct themselves to seem funny and clever and charismatic whilst I- I am clumsy and unkind and insensitive- or perhaps too sensitive to the wrong things, and I don’t have the looks or the money or the influence to hide my arrogance and my flaws. I feel out of place in the world and as if I can do no right. And I’m angry at how I have to hide it. At how everyone hides it. I never thought I would ever sympathize with Holden Caulfield because I thought he was annoying as hell, but ha. Here I am.
I’m so worried that this entire series is an unhealthy mental exercise rather than a diary like I said it is. And I very much fear that the people I care for will blow away like smoke on the wind.
And I know. I know that my best friend is gone. I know that I’m venting all this to thin air. I know I need to get it together. I know in the end, I’m going to get up and move forward. I’ll hide all of this under a veneer of confidence and a happy-go-lucky attitude like everyone else.
But for this moment, can’t I just show a lick of sincerity, just feel and talk to my best friend for a little bit?
(Author’s Note: I was debating on whether or not to post this, but I ultimately did because I want to show that it’s alright to feel negatively. That you don’t always need to be happy. And to say it’s going to be okay. Because God knows I wish I could hear that and believe it right now.)