Week Three – You’re Gonna Be Okay (and other stuff that I try to believe)

QOTD: “Your mission is to replace your destiny.”

Another week gone, and I’m so damn tired. I’m in the middle of this pretty bad depressive episode and it’s been really restrictive on what I can and can’t do. Because of the more negative mindset that I might be trapped in, this feels a lot more like a week of failures than anything else, but I’m damn determined to carry on and do better this week.

I also have hope. Because for the first time in a long time, activity comes with a positive connotation- that stuff can be fun and enjoyable and that I just need to try. I want to believe, for once, that I’m going to be okay. Even in a fog of thoughts about the disposability of human lives as a result of an unforgiving society, I want to believe that I’m going to be okay.

It’s now more than ever that I’m grateful for the small support system that I know I have if or when I need it. After the fallout with my abuser, no one in those circles has reached out to say anything. So when it comes to actual friends, I would say those people I do stay in contact with are the only support system that I have left, and I cannot thank them enough for putting up with me.

What I Want To Achieve This Week

  • 1. I will complete creative work this week if it’s the last thing I do. I’ve been writing in my journal for the past fewI have so many thoughts to express through verse and prose, and a couple of fiction ideas in my head. They’re going to get out.
    • An idea that I’ve been mulling over in my head is an idea for practice in private, in order to cultivate my style. I’ve been thinking about rewriting the episodes of television I watch in a short story or novel form for me to evaluate what I’m doing right and wrong and what I can do better personally without having to rely on my own narrative. I don’t know if it would actually work, but I’d like to try.
  • 2. I’m going to exercise everyday and work on making my diet healthier with my cooking.
  • 3. I’m going to keep working on being kinder to myself and on continuing to build constructive habits in my personal and public lives.

Achievements Unlocked

  • I’ve been looking at a lot of housing listings, and my parents have given me the all-clear to make my final choice out of all the candidates.
  • I’m more motivated to complete my schoolwork and I think the quality’s increasing accordingly. Time management is still a major issue that makes everything hella difficult, but I’ll work on that for next week.
  • While I only completed one internship application this week, it was for a position I’m really passionate about and I’m really happy with how the application turned out.

Things I Haven’t Reached Yet

  • I still haven’t gotten an internship. (And now I have a ton of catch-up to do.)

 

And that is my weekly update. Hopefully, I’ll be back soon. Take care, everyone.

  • Daniel

Week One – Closing the Book on Abuse

(Author’s Note: It’s been 84 years since I last posted.)

Hello again, everyone.

It’s been around four and a half months since I last posted. You have my sincerest apologies for the radio silence since my last poem and status update, and the growingly larger absences I’ve had since I stopped regularly posting on The Oddity Writer awhile back.

The truth is that this blog was started as a portfolio site to help showcase my works and to help me get into college, but it quickly grew into something much more personal than that. During and in the years since the college application process, this blog gained a small following that I never thought was possible, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Ultimately, I stopped posting here because I began to not have enough time to balance both the blog and my university work, and because writing as a whole stopped being fun and became much more like a chore. I was also growing dissatisfied with the quality of the material that I put on here (although, in retrospect, perhaps none of it was as FANTASTIC as I remember). As I started applying for internships and jobs, I also cringed at the prospect of employers or someone else finding and judging the writing and very intimate personal thoughts I put on here and grew afraid that it might limit my employment opportunities. I also still have and struggle with a lot of depression and social anxiety, that have also contributed to my lack of productivity, as well as some impostor syndrome. One really cool fellow writer, Ruben actually wrote an excellent post about impostor syndrome that I’ll post here if you’d like to learn more. 

I’ve also been grappling with a lot of crap in my personal life. Over the past two years, I’ve been trying to confront my many flaws and to work on correcting them, and I like to think that I’ve emerged a much better person when I started. However, because of my shitty mental health, although my problems are far less severe than those of others, life still isn’t exactly a cake walk.

So here’s what I’ve been trying to do recently.

I recently came across a creator by the name of Dottie James who’s been trying to change her life in 365 days, and I’ve been trying to follow her model of change.

https://youtu.be/qlhtued3OEw

I’ve set myself up with Big To-Dos (fixing my sleep schedule, writing regularly and finishing my current works-in-progress, finding a place to live that is my own, taking time for my mental health), Weekly To-Dos (primarily to do with cooking and writing regularly), and Daily To-Dos (i.e. exercising regularly and keeping up and getting ahead with my schoolwork).

And in going back to my roots, I’ve decided to use my blog again to provide myself with a record of my journey through life and to keep myself accountable as I embark on this regimen.

And with that, here’s your progress report, ladies, gentlemen and other configurations of being.

On my first week, while it was a struggle, I completed my schoolwork at the time that I set for myself, I spent less time in the library and I went to bed earlier than I often have this year, and took time to take care of myself.

Most importantly, I finally severed what was a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. After six years of excusing physical abuse (like when I was held up against a wall as my own property was deface) and verbal abuse (being told to my face that my opinion was completely wrong, and that I should not have argued for it), it’s finally over. And despite still struggling with a lot of other issues, I’m proud to have finally let go of this toxic relationship.

However, I failed to write something or to complete creative activities like I wanted to, and I failed to be as productive as I wanted to. And in this coming week, my efforts will go towards being more productive on the creative front and on doing more with my day to make the most of it without stressing myself too far.

Wish me luck.

Honest Poem – Moral Boy

(A/N: an attempt to compose a poem out of dialogue. Quotes are taken from an actual person that I know.)

“I want a girlfriend so badly.”
A void of loneliness will never fade.
“Is it worth talking to this girl if you’re not going to date them?”
It is not worth talking to them. Because you are not worth talking to.
“Don’t you look at every woman and just choose whether or not you’d date them?”
I do not dare to assume anything. I have my flaws, and I do not judge theirs.

“You shouldn’t disrespect the Bible. Every Adam has an Eve, and you shouldn’t be alone.”
If I had to choose between perpetual solitude and your company, I would be lonely.
“Ohhh shit! You need to sabotage their relationship, bro, you totally have a chance.”
Do Christians not believe in loyalty and trust? Or is that just you?

“You’re not thinking like a father.”
I pray you will never be a father.
“I’m not transphobic, but I do not want those people in the bathroom with my daughter.”
She’s in more danger with you than she is with one of them.
“That’s just my point of view, as a Christian.